age, carers, Dementia

My mums perspective

 

I can’t get going in a morning. I just can’t seem to get my breath. I get up and it takes me ages to get dressed. But I would rather do it myself, for as long as I can.  I have lots of clothes but don’t seem to go anywhere now to wear them. I wear the same old things because they are comfortable.

I go downstairs and my daughter (my newly acquired carer) has put the kettle on. Set the table and is warming my milk for my cereal. I used to be able to do this all myself but she has taken it upon herself to do it for me.  It is nice but it makes me feel that she doesn’t trust me anymore.  I can get my breath back at the table while she fusses about me though.  I wonder where Tommy (the tortoise) is today?

After breakfast, I know I must take my tablets. I often go and have a rest in the living room and drift off to sleep again. Sometimes I don’t remember my tablets till much later. Now my daughter reminds me. Trying to make me do it as I get up from the breakfast table to make it routine. I don’t like being told what to do. I don’t like being made aware that I might forget.  I take them under sufferance and then I must take that awful new puffer thing for my breathing. I still ask every time how to do it.  I don’t know why I am taking it. My daughter talks me through it.

Then, I am allowed. to go and sit in the lounge. I quickly drift off to sleep. I sleep a lot now. I don’t know why, but I don’t see why not. What is there for me to wake up for? 

I awake to my daughter carrying a load of washing. “You’re washing again”! I exclaim. She washes every day. I only used to wash twice a week on a Tuesday and Saturday.  I don’t know where all this washing is coming from.  I wonder where Tommy is?

I am really frightened of forgetting something. I used to have a routine but now it has gone. I just feel all over the place. What are we doing today? 

My daughter comes back from the shop. She gets the papers in the morning now. I used to go myself. I feel she doesn’t trust me to go now.  I can but it takes me longer to get there and back.  I used to go to lots of places on the bus. I don’t do that now.  I like to have the papers but only for the crosswords. I couldn’t tell you what is in the news. I am finding harder to concentrate on the stories. I don’t read magazines like I used to either. I would just rather sleep to be honest.

My son bought me a lovely hanging basket for Mothers day. It is beautiful with bright yellow flowers. I can’t reach it to water it though. I tried, holding on to the new handles on the front step. But I still can’t reach. I get upset. I worry at yet another thing I cannot do. My daughter will do it while she is here but what if she is not.  I hate being dependent on other people to do things that I used to do.

Where’s Tommy?  We can’t lose him.  I can’t lift him anymore he is too big and heavy. But he has been my friend for many years now. He may outlive me.

“I don’t know what to have for my lunch”.  I say out loud.  My daughter asks what do I want. I have no idea. I can’t remember what I had yesterday. I can’t remember what is in the fridge. I can’t be bothered right now to go and have a look. My legs are tired, my knees are aching and I wobble when I walk. My knees are worrying me a lot, I sometimes fall back into the chair and I have to get up again. Good job the chair is there.

My daughter has bought me a pot elephant. She insists on writing on it.  It’s meant to remind me of things but I hate it. I hate being reminded that I am forgetting stuff. I have moved it to try and hide it. I don’t want any visitors to see.  I clean it every day. My daughter gets frustrated. I can feel it.

My daughters got the hoover out again.  I only did it the other day. She thinks I do nothing. I always clean on a Tuesday and Thursday. I have done for years. She makes me feel that I don’t have a clean house. It is upsetting. I would get around to it eventually but I have all day now that I am retired. I don’t have to rush like I used to. I just need a minute to come around.  She thinks all I do is sleep. She might be right.

I can’t remember what we said we go to the shops for today. I know I made a list. But where did I put it?  I know I started it but I can’t think what I want. It is awful!!  My daughter finds the list and we review it together. It is good to have a list but I am frightened of forgetting something important. I get upset. I don’t know why I am doing this. I don’t want to go. 

I don’t like asking people to take me anywhere. I hate being dependent on other people all the time.

My daughter says she lives here now. But I don’t want to spoil her life. I don’t want her to give up her life to look after me. It’s not fair. Its company but it just keeps reminding me that I am not coping by myself. I don’t know why she would want to live up here. Where’s Tommy?

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