Dementia, Life, Uncategorized, Wider health care

How to help?

Today has been a difficult day.

Two weeks have passed since I moved in with mum. We are slowly adapting to each other. Me, I am trying to work out what is best. To do lots of work around the house or get my mum to do as much as she can.  I hoped it would be the latter.

Sadly, she sits in her chair a lot, in the quiet.  The thing she despises about care homes.  People sitting around not talking.  No TV, no radio, no music. She says she cannot be bothered. She sleeps a lot too.  But she tells me she does do lots of stuff. She remembers that that is what she used to do.

Then when I get up and do things now, I apparently make her feel bad.  I make her feel guilty because she is not doing the cleaning, the changing of beds, the washing etc.  But if I suggest she can still do them, she says she does do them – every week! She has a routine!  She then makes me feel guilty for breaking her routine.  I do feel like an interloper into her life.

However, I suspect even when I am not here she is not doing very much. She says she changes her bed every week, however I know the bed is the same as I changed two weeks ago. She swears blind she did.  To interfere or not to interfere?  To include or not to include is a major dilemma.

She says she goes and gets a paper every day. I offered and went for a few days. But on the days I did not, she did not go.  But she still says she did.


But to challenge her memory is fraught with angst. She rails against me and says if I think she cannot cope, then she’ll have to move into a home. I am sure she has not quite got it, that I moved in here to prevent that.  I am beginning to realise that this will not be as smooth and easy as I thought. I had anticipated some practical difficulties, but not the constant psychological torment.

I am sure, if I just did the housework my mind would be appeased. The house would be clean and all would be done.  It is me trying to do things with her consent and do things with her that is causing the problems. She takes everything as a condemnation of her ability to cope.

But it is amazing that after each confrontation an hour goes by and you would not think we had had crossed swords at all. She forgets. 

Until of course she goes to bed and finds different sheets and asks. Why did you do that?!!!


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